Week Five – Workshop: Is It True?
Supervision: Is It True?
When I arrived at the EUI I didn’t expect many problems with regard to supervision. My people skills aren’t too bad, especially compared to those of many an academic I know, I tend to get along with people, and I like professors, the quirkier the better. No problems there, or so I thought. Or so I thought… A few years later the list of embarrassing stories related to supervision had grown exponentially. At one low point I found myself writing an emotional email to my supervisor at four in the morning asking him to ‘allow me some air’. Somewhere in the background my common sense was still mightily trying to get through to me: “Don’t press send, whatever you do!” But I did press send. Oh yes. I pressed send alright. I thought I’d never dare face my supervisor again.
It all started when I asked my supervisor for permission for a leave of absence from the EUI, for a month or so. My already long-distance boyfriend would be moving to Chicago for a number of months to work with an economist hotshot, and I wanted to join him. I needed to join him: I missed him terribly. I didn’t foresee any problems in requesting this leave of absence: it didn’t really matter where I was situated from a research point-of-view. I was working on an analysis of a large dataset available online, so I was pretty independent as to my whereabouts. Also, I had just handed in a large chapter, progress had been made, I had no obligations in Italy, I worked fully independently, and everybody at the EUI seemed to be on ‘research mission’ in exotic places. There was no reason why I couldn’t be one of these lucky research mission people. So, at the end of one of our rare supervision meetings I proposed to my supervisor I would be writing my next chapter in Chicago. The problem: my supervisor didn’t agree. Or, more accurately: he didn’t agree unconditionally. He told me it would ‘depend on my progress’, whether he would grant me permission to leave. I was floored. ‘It would depend on my progress whether he would grant me permission to go to Chicago??!!’ What the hell did he mean by that? Did he really just say that?! Right then and there I was too flabbergasted to comment, or to negotiate on terms and conditions. I left feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. I cried when I got home. I couldn’t believe what he had just said.
In the aftermath of our meeting my emotions proved to have a life of their own: I felt angry, sad, desperate and discouraged. I was angry because I felt he was using his position as supervisor to restrict my freedoms and keep me in Florence, and because I felt treated differently, as ‘less-than’ compared to my other colleagues who were all happily doing their research on sunny beaches in California or Spain or god-knows-where-else, without any conditions being imposed on them. I was discouraged because to me, it felt like he didn’t acknowledge and value the work I had just done, but instead focused on everything I still needed to do. Apparently, I hadn’t done enough. This was a recurring theme in our supervision relationship, and one that caused me considerable heartache. I was sad, because I felt like I had failed in establishing a trust-based relationship with him. Finally, I also felt desperate, because my long-distance relationship with my commitment-phobic long-distance boyfriend was becoming a source of agony. Combine all those feelings with utter loneliness – I had been feeling desperately lonely for months: many of my friends had left Florence, I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in ages, the friendships and relationships I did have at the EUI seemed to be going through a dry spell (they were all hanging out in those exotic research places) – and exhaustion, – I had worked ridiculously hard for months – and you can see why I couldn’t sleep and was up at four a.m. writing a desperate email to my supervisor.
The force of my emotions at that time should have warned me something was wrong. In hindsight it was one of the first signs of burnout. If something similar had happened a year, or perhaps even a couple of months earlier, I probably would have gone through a much milder version of the same range of emotions, but I would have been able to shrug it off, and have called him to schedule another meeting to find out exactly what he meant. Instead, I jumped to conclusions and had an emotional breakdown. Yes, I did schedule another meeting to discuss the topic, but I was gutted going into it.
When we met to discuss the next day, my supervisor commented: ‘You write very melodramatic emails’. He said it with a smile – the guy had a sense of humour – and I couldn’t help smiling with him. I felt like a fool, but I was grateful he joked about it. He could have been stern or angry, and humour, even at my own expense, wins from either of those two options. It was abundantly clear that he didn’t want to discuss any of my emotional turmoil, but he was willing to negotiate somewhat specific conditions I should meet before leaving for Chicago. I proposed a goal, he agreed, and I left feeling a little better. When I left he joked: ‘You asked me for some air. I’m sure you’ll get plenty of that in Chicago…’ (For those of you who don’t get it: Chicago is also called ‘the windy city’) He made me laugh, but he also made me cry (afterwards). Why had it become so difficult for me to simply talk to my supervisor? Why was I such an emotional mess?
What I learned from this episode, looking back after a couple of years, is that (1) if you’re an emotional mess, you have probably been burning the candle on both ends, and it’s important to take care of yourself first, before even thinking about how you should further your work. Your emotional life is an important indicator of how you are doing. Don’t ignore it. When I am overwhelmed and depleted I get irritable. If it goes on for too long I cry. Maybe for you it’s anger, impatience or depression. Whatever your emotions are, keep an eye on them. They can teach you how to best look after yourself, and will tell you when ‘enough is enough’. I also learned that (2) it’s tremendously important to not assume you know what someone else is thinking, or what his or her intentions are. And if you are assuming, assume that the person wants the best for you. Most people, including your supervisor, do want the best for you. They want you to succeed. My supervisor made some mistakes in how he supervised me, but he wasn’t intentionally cruel. His main mistake was that he chose the wrong strategy to ‘manage’ me. He chose the stick instead of the carrot, and thought that ‘giving me an incentive’ would help keep me on track. He probably had no idea how hard I was already working, and how desperate his approach made me feel.
So what can you do, in a situation like this? Firstly, to repeat, if you are feeling anywhere near as emotional as I described above: you need to take a break and recharge before you do anything else. First things first: take care of yourself. Take some time off, pamper yourself, recharge. Don’t ignore these symptoms. Once you feel a bit better, make sure your ‘brain power’ – routine is at the centre of your workday, and make sure fun and relaxation are part of your day. If you are still in a more balanced place, or once you get back to that place: try the following tool. The aim of this tool is to separate the facts from the assumptions, and to see clearly. It’s a great tool to improve your relationship with your supervisor. Or anybody else.
These tools are inspired by Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’. She is phenomenal.
Step 1
The first step of the tool is to recall what was said, verbatim, and note what you think it means.
Be ruthlessly honest. Don’t be tempted to write down socially acceptable answers. Write down your REAL thoughts, no matter how unreasonable, unfair or untrue they seem to be. If your answers aren’t raw and unreasonable, you’re probably kidding yourself. (Don’t try to convince me otherwise, I’m not buying it!). In my case:
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What was said: |
What you think it means: |
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‘Whether I allow you to go to Chicago depends on your progress’ |
He doesn’t want me to go to Chicago. He doesn’t think I deserve to go to Chicago. My work isn’t good enough. I am not going to Chicago. My love life is doomed. |
Step 2
The second step is to ask yourself whether the statements you have written down are true. You’re an academic, so this should be easy. You do falsification for a living. One statement at a time, ask yourself, is this true? Is it 100% unfalsifiably true? And if this isn’t true, what are the other options?
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My thoughts |
Are they true? |
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He doesn’t want me to go to Chicago. He doesn’t think I deserve to go to Chicago. My work isn’t good enough. I am not going to Chicago. My love life is doomed. |
Is it 100% unfalsifiably true? And if it isn’t true, what are the other options? |
Step 3
To see all the options, try changing all the negative verbs to positive ones. This is the third step of the tool. So ‘He doesn’t want me to go to Chicago’, becomes ‘He does want me to go to Chicago’. ‘He doesn’t think I deserve to go to Chicago becomes: ‘He does think I deserve to Chicago’. Could these new positive statements be a possibility? In this case they definitely could! My supervisor even said as much. He does want me to go to Chicago, and he does think I deserve to go, as long as I make more progress. It is a truly remarkable thing to see how simply reversing our thoughts, can open and calm our mind. We find out that it isn’t really him pissing us off, it’s our own thoughts, triggered by something he said, and that we blindly believe, that piss us off. All of a sudden there’s possibility. Maybe he wants me to go to Chicago after all! Let’s discuss how we could arrange that!
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My thoughts |
The opposite of my thoughts |
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He doesn’t want me to go to Chicago. He doesn’t think I deserve to go to Chicago. My work isn’t good enough. I am not going to Chicago. My love life is doomed. |
He wants me to go to Chicago. He thinks I deserve to go to Chicago. My work is good enough. I am going to Chicago. My love life will work out. |
You may be reading along thinking it was obvious all along that my supervisor didn’t disagree with me going to Chicago. True. But the beauty of this tool is in its application to issues that matter to YOU. For me, this was an issue. You may not have been bothered by this episode. But we all have our sensitivities. So take something that trips you up and apply it to that. Our thoughts can be treacherous. Because they are ours, we automatically believe them, and assume them to be true, which sends us into all sorts of undesirable states. Holding them to the light, trying to falsify them and trying to see other possibilities helps. It creates space and flexibility.
This first part of the tool may be more than enough to start with, and may already provide considerable ease. If you’re ready to take it a step further, and if you’re interested in further freeing up your mind, you’re ready for the second part of the tool. This part is all about undoing judgment and self-judgment. It shines light on why some triggers can cause sheer torment, and can undo a lot of it.
Listen to your emotions, and jot down why your supervisor (or anybody else) triggers these. Answer the question: Based on what I feel, what does this incident tell me about him/ her? For me, the most forceful emotions were anger, sadness and feeling discouraged. ‘I am angry and sad and I feel discouraged, because no matter how hard I work, it’s never good enough for him’. ‘I am angry and sad and I feel discouraged that he doesn’t even notice the amount of work I’ve done.’ ‘I am sad because he doesn’t understand me. ‘ I am angry because he is a cruel motherfucker’. Etc. Again, be brutally honest. If you try to make these answers more palatable than they are in your head the tool doesn’t work.
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What your emotions? |
What are your thoughts? |
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Anger/Sadness/ Discouraged Anger/Sadness/ Discouraged Anger/Sadness Sadness Anger Anger Anger |
No matter how hard I work, it’s never good enough for him. He never even notices the amount of work I’ve done. He never listens to me. He doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t give a &^%# about me or my work. How dare he use his position to restrict me and put pressure on me?! He is a cruel $%%$#^&^ |
Now ask yourself whether the statements that trigger these emotions are true. One statement at a time, ask yourself, is this true? Is it 100% unfalsifiably true? Change the statements into their opposite, and see whether that loosens up your thinking.
Step 4
The final step, an additional step to the steps discussed above, step four of the tool, is to try to find at least three specific examples of your opposite statements being true.
For me, the two most painful thoughts were: ‘No matter how hard I work, it’s never good enough for him,’ and ‘He never even notices the amount of work I’ve done.’ In fact, most everything that was wrong with the supervision relationship could be summed up in those two sentences. I had a slow start writing my PhD, but even when I came fully up to speed, I never felt my supervisor caught up with that reality. He would tell me ‘I had a lot of work to do,’ regardless of the work I had just done, and would encourage me to: ‘work hard’ every single time we met. These remarks pissed me off and were tremendously discouraging.
So, let’s work with those painful thoughts.
My Mind (MM): 'No matter how hard I work, it's never good enough for him.' Is it 100% unfalsifiably true?
A: It feels that way, but maybe it isn't 100% true.
MM: If it isn't 100% unfalsifiably true, do I have examples of the opposite statement? In this case: 'It's good enough for him'. Do I have examples of that?
A: Hmm yes. I suppose so. He told me my last chapter was 'Not Bad'. He's Irish. When he says that he means it's pretty good.
MM: It sounds like it was good enough for him. Do you have more examples? I want two more.
A: He liked my theory chapter. He also approved the general methodology.
MM: Great. The theory chapter is good enough for him. Your methodology is good enough for him. What about Chicago?
A: What about Chicago??
MM: Didn't he tell you that you could go to Chicago if you made enough progress? Doesn't that mean if you continue to make progress, it's good enough for him?
A: Oh, gosh. I guess I hadn't looked at it like that before. Maybe you're right.
MM: Yes, it's good enough for him! He told you so in that last meeting. You just need to ask him what he means by 'progress'. Then you'll know exactly when it's good enough for him.
A: Incredible! It's good enough for him!
MM: What about the next one? 'He never even notices the amount of work I've done.' Is it 100% unfalsifiably true?
A: YES!!!
MM: Come on darling… 'He never even notices the amount of work I've done.' Is it 100% unfalsifiably true?
A: OK, I suppose not. He does, sometimes occasionally, notice the work I've done.
MM: So give me three examples of that.
A: He wrote 'Very Good!' on my third chapter. He said it was my best work to date.
MM: That's great! Wow! He really admires your work. Anything else?
A: Let's see. Last year, he told me my theory chapter was intelligent and lucid.
MM: That's pretty good for a man who never notices and acknowledges your work. What about the third example?
A: Well, he gave me a pass into this year without any trouble. And he also proposed I turn my current chapter into a working paper. So that must mean he has noticed the work I've done.
MM: Yes, maybe he notices the work you've done after all. You have four examples right there.
This process of trying to falsify your thoughts and looking for specific proof of the opposite of what you think and believe is tremendously powerful in defusing emotional situations. You find out you weren’t even close to the truth! Here I was thinking it was never good enough for him, while there are many examples out there, where it was good enough for him. Even better: it continues to be good enough for him! I also thought he never notices my work. But he does. There is proof.
Maybe you will object by stating that of course that isn’t what I really meant. I didn’t mean ‘it’s never good enough for him’ or ‘he never notices the amount of work I’ve done’ literally. I meant that, during our meeting, my supervisor wasn’t particularly sensitive to my needs, and chose to put pressure on me, seemingly ignoring the hard work I had done to date. That is what set me off. But unfortunately, our emotional reaction tends to be a reaction to the uncensored, primal thought, not to the censored, rational, beautified one. So even if we, at one level, know that ‘it’s never good enough for him’ and ‘he never even notices the amount of work I’ve done’, isn’t true, we react to it as if it is true. We trust our uncensored thoughts blindly, and as a result our stress cycle starts to run wild. That’s why it’s important to uncover and falsify the raw, unreasonable, uncensored thoughts underneath. If we don’t uncover them and challenge them directly, we will continue to react to them emotionally and physically, even if we know it’s ‘unreasonable’. Peace, and even humour, often set in once you try to find specific examples of the opposite of your uncensored thoughts. The specific examples are gold. They lead us to truth.
Dismantle self-judgment
After the incident with my supervisor, I didn’t just judge him, I judged myself harshly too. These self-judgments eat away at our self-confidence. To dismantle them, simply follow the same procedure as above. Ask yourself what this incident tells you about yourself, and see whether you can falsify your thoughts. By now, you know the drill: write down your uncensored thoughts, challenge them and find at least three examples of the opposite statement.
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What this incident tells you about yourself |
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I am a failure I cannot even have a mature conversation with my supervisor and stick up for myself I am doomed I am a dramatic idiot |
In this case I thought of myself as a failure after that meeting. I thought I had failed at the conversation and at being a decent supervisee. I also thought that if I would continue to be such a failure I would be doomed. Dramatic, much? So, yes, I also thought I was a dramatic idiot.
So here we go:
MM: 'I am a failure'. Is it 100% unfalsifiably true?
A: No!
MM: Do I have examples of the opposite: 'I am not a failure'.
A: Yes! Academically: I am not a failure because some of my previous chapters are really good. Academically I am also not a failure because I have a distinction from LSE. I suppose that counts for something. More in general: I am not a failure because I am a decent friend. I am also a pretty good girlfriend. So, no I am not a failure. I am doing pretty well so far.
MM: OK, next one: 'I am doomed'. Is it 100% unfalsifiably true?
A: No I am probably not doomed! LOL
Your uncensored thoughts are often really funny. That is, once you stop believing them. If you still feel heavy or serious or otherwise emotionally invested, keep trying to open your mind, and see different possibilities.
I didn’t have this tool back then, but my second supervisor helped me undo some of my negative thinking. I emailed her, telling her that the meeting with my first supervisor to discuss the specifics of the Chicago requirements had gone OK. I had added: ‘I can be a dramatic idiot sometimes,’ at the end (I know. The emails I sent back then!) I felt really bad for overreacting. She emailed me back: ‘You are not an idiot. Dramatic or otherwise’. I still love her for that email. I needed to hear that. She rescued me from my thoughts. Fortunately, you won’t need anyone else to do that. Using this tool, you can rescue yourself.
Assignment
Is It True?
If you’re having negative or anxious thoughts about supervision, sit down with pen and paper and try to deconstruct what’s bothering you.
Falsify your thinking
- Listen to what is being said. It probably doesn’t mean what you think it means. Write it down verbatim.
- What do you think it means? About the situation? About him/ her? About yourself? Write it down.
- Time to try and falsify! Is it 100% unfalsifiably true?
- What’s the opposite statement of what you think it means? Can you find at least three examples of how that could be true?
- Feel any better? If not, repeat the above, and find more specific examples.