Week Six – Day Three
Coping with Criticism
Criticism and rejection are the currency of academia. In the best case it is a polishing of the diamond of sorts, an essential part of the academic process; in the worst case criticism can be destructive and demoralising. Sometimes it is both! No matter how high the quality of feedback, the process can be a difficult one, as we struggle through versions and revisions, red ink, and assaults to our ideas and our ego.
There is a learning curve to working with criticism and part of it is practical: it is learning to distinguish between critical points raised that are reasonable and will improve the quality of your work (may hurt a little, but a day or two later you will see it makes sense to take these points on board, also if it means extra work), criticism that stems from your supervisor or reviewer not getting what you are trying to say (how could you be clearer? What does your work need to communicate your point better?) and criticism that may be of little use (should you compromise here, or should you stay true to the course you set out?) Finally there is criticism that is unfounded, harsh, and unhelpful. Academics tend to be good at being critical, and sometimes they forget to be kind…
We need to develop skills to digest all the criticism levelled at us. Some of us are naturally more thick-skinned, though depending on your PhD progress skin-thickness may vary! I remember being distraught over feedback in the first year(s), mostly because my work wasn’t where I wanted it to be (yet!), while once it came together feedback, however critical, was much easier to handle. I felt much more confident and I was almost suprised at how little it bothered me. Criticism was fine and welcome, as I knew I could stand my ground. I have also at times felt emotional over minor comments, and for me it is a warning sign that I have been working too hard, that I need to take a step back, and take care of myself before I take any of it too seriously.
Criticism and Self-Compassion
I was interested to read the perspective of Kristin Neff who researches compassion. She reports that (self-) criticism sets off the flight-or-fight response, exactly like we’ve discussed in week one. Our blood pressure and heart rate rise, adrenaline and cortisol rise: we are ready for attack and counter-attack. Ready to fight or flee. It may be helpful in the short run (it gets your blood pumping! It may help us sharpen that argument, and hammer away at our laptops until the work is done), but as we’ve seen, in the long run it works against us. It will make our thinking dull, our mood worse, and it will deplete us. Neff suggests the practice of self-compassion may help get us out of fight-or-flight. In an over-simplification of her argument: the practice of self-compassion allows for the release of oxytocin. It is the soothe-hormone. As mammals it is one way to get out of a fight-or-flight state. Also interesting: she suggests one direct way to do so is to place a hand on your heart. Soothing touch is what the body responds to. (Okay, it is probably why sex really works as a stress-reliever too.)
There is more we should know. We tend to be hard on ourselves, because if we are kind to ourselves and forgiving what will happen? We are surely destined to melt into an unproductive puddle, to sink into self-indulgence, into never (ever!) getting anything done ever again? Neff’s research shows this to be untrue. Self-compassion does not lead to passivity. It doesn’t mean we lose our perfectionism or high standards (though we do lose what Neff calls ‘neurotic perfectionism’ which can only be a good thing). But self-compassion does lead us to experience less distress when we fail to meet those standards. This seems to me helpful in an academic context, where we are failing forward all the time. Perhaps we can fail forward without the turmoil.
Apart from physical, loving touch, how we approach ourselves emotionally makes all the difference. If we use self-judgment and self-criticism to motivate ourselves, we perpetuate the fight or flight cycle. We wind ourselves tighter, and become less creative, less responsive, less open and more defensive. Neff suggests we take a self-compassion break instead. It will lower our cortisol levels. It is how we can take care of ourselves, and become more resilient when faced with failure, feeling despondent after an interaction about our work, or criticism.
Self-compassion has three elements:
Mindfulness (rather than over-identification)
When we are mindful we observe thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. There is a balance there. We have to experience our feelings, our pain, to feel compassion for ourselves. We can’t ignore the painful aspects. At the same time we have to take care not to “over-identify” with our thoughts and feelings, which would cause us to get caught up in and swept away by our emotions and negative reactions.
As we discussed last week over-identification is so common in supervision dynamics and whenever our work is criticised: we get defensive around our work, and our emotions are tied up in it. Of course they are… Maybe, if we allowed ourselves to feel hurt, if we acknowledged it, it would be easier. We could say to ourselves: “This hurts. And that’s OK.’ Once we allow ourselves to feel the hurt it is easier for our nervous system to process.
Common humanity (rather than isolation)
We are all in this together. Everyone is affected by criticism, by the more difficult aspects of the academic process. Every one of your colleagues, and your supervisors know these feelings intimately. It is helpful to realise it’s not just you. It is not a personal fault or deficit that your work is being criticised, or that you may feel discouraged in the process. This is part of the deal, and no-one is exempt.
Common humanity allows us to not be so hard on ourselves. If it’s not a personal failure, but part of the process, we don’t have to take it so personally. It is OK to feel hurt or inadequate sometimes. It is OK to not always meet our own perfectionist standards. And it is OK if we respond emotionally. It is normal.
Self-kindness (rather than self-judgment)
Being kind to ourselves means developing a new set of coping skills. Instead of relying on self-judgment, which we thought would spur us into being ‘better’, we may be willing to experiment with being kind. Why not support ourselves? Why not be kind? As I wrote about yesterday, this one shift from self-judgment towards self-kindness is the shift I credit most for improving my PhD experience. The main difference: not depleting myself with self-criticism. The negative emotions involved are a real drain, as Neff’s research shows. I agree, from personal experience. For me, the increase in emotional resilience was unexpected but profound. This stuff really works.
How could I be kind to myself right now?
What would the answer be if you’d ask yourself that question? Is there something you need to hear? Is there some feeling waiting to be acknowledged? Could you use a little encouragement? Or a break? What could you give yourself?
References
Kristin D. Neff (2003) The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion, Self and Identity (2): 223–250, 2003
See also Neff’s website for more articles, videos and resources such as this self-compassion test.
Assignment
Practice Kristin’s guided 5 minute self-compassion break on the Insight Timer here
Whenever you feel stressed, or criticised, or self-critical, take a moment to feel the sensations it causes. Feel the distress, and be curious: where do you feel it in your body? Maybe you feel the tension in your shoulders, in your stomach, in your hips/ pelvic region. Is it a faint headache? Is it a lump in your throat? Connect with the emotion and the physical sensation.
Now acknowledge what you are feeling. You could say to yourself:
- Ouch! This hurts.
Bonus points for placing a hand on your heart, or on the body part that hurts while you acknowledge the hurt.
(This is the mindfulness part)
Realise that you are not the only one experiencing distress, whether it is over your PhD or something else. This is part of our common experience. For PhDs this is the case without a shadow of a doubt. You are not alone.
You could say to yourself:
- I’m not alone. Others feel this way. Struggle is part of the process
(This is the common humanity part)
Now ask yourself:
- How could I be kind to myself right now?
Is there something you need to hear? Something you could to for yourself? Is there a way to be more gentle? More self-supportive?
(This is the kindness part)
We are our own guides. We know what we need. It is kind of exciting when we start listening…