Your radio

I once heard of the metaphor of radios for making decisions and setting boundaries (see Gilman’s book, referenced). You have your own radio, with your own tunes, informing you of what is OK for you and what isn’t, what is the right decision and what is not, what is the right way of doing things and what is not. Then there are other radios in your environment: your supervisors, colleagues, department, the general work culture at your university, your partner, friends. Their choices, values, judgments and boundaries may be different from our own. The louder those tunes the more difficult to listen to what you want and need. Although we need to be aware of the tunes in our environment in order to connect with others, and to discern what may be expected of us, it is our own channel, that will give us our Yes or our No. The more stressed out you are, the more likely it is your radio is unable to pick up your own tune. Too much static! This can be problematic: in the academic setting there are many messages that may conflict internally (like the false logic of working til you drop as the best way to manage high workloads) or dismiss the sacrifices made on the academic path (such as ‘money isn’t important’ or ‘you academic career is more important than your health/ family life/ romantic love’).

We are taught that passion is what sustains us, and I believe that indeed it is one of the strongest determinants of success and wellbeing in academia. But we can’t reduce ourselves to our love of our work. It is one of those messages that can distort our sense of worth, and our sense of self. The idea of the life of the mind is all lovely, until we realise that in reality we have material, emotional and other needs and desires, that cannot be met by a romanticised idea. The dilemma’s and choices are real. The good news though, is that we have a choice, and often we have more choices in our range than we perceive when we are too outward-focused. Maybe there are possibilities you hadn’t considered. Maybe you can carve your own path.

I had one client who realised she wanted to be in academia, but not full-time, and she managed to negotiate a part-time contract, so she had time to write books and build a business on the side. The process took several years and was a constant tuning in, listening to, and adapting her course, negotiating with her supervisors and others in her life in the process. She had to navigate her own conflicting thoughts and beliefs too (perhaps the most challenging part!). It was mightily impressive to witness, and she is now part academic/ writer/ business owner. It can be done.

To know what we want, what we desire, what we need, we have to listen inwards. Your inner voice is the only guide that can make sense of conflicting demands. It is the only guide that knows when enough is enough, what is right for you and what isn’t. And it is the only guide to tell you whether your answer should be a Yes or a No.

Your yes and no

Observe what a Yes or a No feels like to you. For me, a Yes feels energising, and is accompanied by a sense of a lift, an opening or broadening in my chest and stomach. I can feel it physically. It is also lighthearted, even when the decision at hand is a difficult or troubling one. A No feels heavy, depleting, as if I feel myself shrinking, as if my energy leaks. If it is a strong No I feel a restriction in my throat, almost a gag response. I don’t want to do it.

When I decided to finish my PhD, it was a tough decision, in the sense that I knew it would require a great deal of sacrifice, and it would be a rocky road. Even so, I knew it was a Yes. It was not a comfortable option, but it was the right option for me, at that time. My No was more internal, as I have mentioned in previous essays: it was a No mainly to self-defeating behaviours that before I could tolerate (or so I thought). My inner compass was pointing firmly towards supporting myself, and it was highly sensitive: no more self-criticism, no more making myself small. Yes to supporting myself, to being more compassionate.

Our Yes’s and No’s can only be accessed in the moment. They change. Every day, we make decisions, from the smaller ones (self-care) to the big ones (what is next for my career?), and every day it helps to tune in. What do you need? What do you want? What would uplift you? What are the elements that are dragging you down, and you are better off without?

In academia over-commitment is rife, and it is oh so important, to not allow these cultural values and voices speak louder than your own. That isn’t to say that you shouldn’t sometimes conform, or that some sacrifices aren’t worth it. Maybe they are absolutely worth it! But it is for you to judge, not for your colleague or your supervisor. Other people can’t decide for you, or maintain your boundaries for you. Though if you know what your wants and needs are, you are in a better place to negotiate with others. Often we don’t even need to. We can meet our own needs, even when others aren’t forthcoming. You may have more autonomy than you think.

To set our own course, we need to know what we want and what we need. Perhaps you are struggling with the decision of whether or not to finish your PhD, perhaps you are struggling with the stress of less than promising job market on the horizon, perhaps you are struggling with feeling ‘behind’ or ‘less than’ compared to your colleagues, or you have been dealt some serious setbacks; no matter what it is, the best way of finding the next step, the right decision is to listen inwards. Cultivating this connection means you will come to recognise when you are in touch, and when you aren’t, but it is fear or ego talking instead. Simply knowing how to distinguish between when you are in touch and when you aren’t can help. It will steer you in the right direction, away from hasty, disastrous decisions. When I was actively practicing developing this connection I vowed I would make no decision unless I knew it was supported inwardly. I don’t always manage and sometimes forget, but it is the most valuable practice for making powerful decisions.

Getting out of fight-or-flight is essential in hearing this inner voice. For me, yoga is the most accessible tool to do so. That, and laughter. (If I can’t laugh about something, at some level, it means I need to re-connect. Often I need to give myself a break and rest.) Hopefully, these six weeks of self-care, and tuning in with all the assignments and during your meditation sessions has helped you establish a stronger connection with your inner voice. It is the absolute best career investment you can make.

References

Sarri Gilman (2014) Transform Your Boundaries, Island Bound Publishing